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Monday, February 3, 2020

My life in sex: ‘My partner had been having sex with someone else'

My life in sex: ‘My partner had been having sex with someone else'

“intense pleasure” experienced last time they met, was mistakenly sent to me instead of her. Sex now inhabits the bulk of my waking thoughts – imagining him together with her , and desiring sex between him and me.

We met aged 18 and 19; the looking for each other’s bodies was unquenchable. Into our 30s, sex was regular and loving. At 40, we stopped making love altogether. I tried to suggest my continued desire through clothes and gestures, but my attempts were missed. I knew something was wrong, but was frightened of the reality . In retrospect, i feel our mutual silence created space for infidelity.

Now, for the primary time in three years, we've started talking about, and having, sex. It follows an equivalent patterns and positions of the past, but is emotionally charged in new and confusing ways in which reveal the weakness and desperation that comes from still loving someone who has broken your heart and humiliated you. Exposure of the betrayal forced us to deal with the shortage of sexual intimacy that has characterised the previous couple of years of our relationship.

We have decided to remain together, but i do know things will never be an equivalent . I feel hollow and desperate: desperate for expressions of affection as a symbol that my partner still loves me; and since , if we are having sex i do know that, for that moment, he's not having sex with anyone else.

• hebdomadally , a reader tells us about their sex life. Want to share yours? Email us

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